Addiction

Addictions come in many forms. We can abuse alcohol and drugs, sex, food, relationships, gambling and even work.

I have worked in the field of addiction for over 10 years doing group therapy, individual therapy and lectures. With the stress of everyday living, we often turn to something (a substance, person or act) that alleviates our stress temporarily and that offers us some peace from the uncomfortable feelings in our bodies. Sometimes doing this can result in an addiction.

Addictions are dangerous and can result in depression, anxiety, relationship problems and more tragically, psychosis or even death. When we find our lives getting out of control behind alcohol, drugs, sex or relationships, we may have an addiction. Therapy can help. There are sites that can help you determine if you have an addiction. They are listed below.

AlcoholScreening.com Screening Test for Alcohol Consumption
SexHelp.com Patrick Carnes website
SexualRecovery.com Sexual Recovery Institute website
CenterForHealthySex.com Center For Healthy Sex website
SASH.net Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health website
something-fishy.org Eating Disorder Screening Test

One of my specialties is treating sex addiction and working with partners and spouses affected by sex addiction.

Sex Addiction

Sex addiction is a devastating illness to the sufferer and the sufferer’s family. Recovery from sex addiction is possible, but takes complete honesty and reintegration into reality.

Sex addiction can come in many forms. For some sex addicts, it is viewing pornography and compulsively masturbating. For others, it is cruising and hiring prostitutes, cybersex or sensual massages. Sometimes I see multiple affairs outside a primary relationship where the behavior continues despite attempts to stop and because of the pseudo-intimacy one gains from the affairs. The behavior is secretive, shameful and can at times be offensive or abusive. Voyeurs, exhibitionists or those who view child porn cross the line into offending behavior as the victims have no choice as to whether they want to be viewed or flashed. Sex addiction is no different than other addictions. In alcohol and drug addiction, the substance gives up the high, the fix we desire. With sex or love addiction, the experience of acting out is a high as well and it changes brain chemistry just as a drug would. Sex addicts often speak of this “bubble” or “zone” where nothing else matters but getting their fix.

For sex addicts, there is a cycle that helps maintain and reinforce this illness. Sex addicts do not know how to meet needs in a healthy way. When they feel emotional stressors, they want to numb this feeling. They move into fantasy and preoccupation, rituals and then will act out to release these feelings in their body. They can often be left with feelings of depression, sadness and guilt afterward, but rationalize their behavior in order to continue this unhealthy relationship with themselves and the world.

Sex addicts are able to compartmentalize their world. They have their addict, acting out world and their reality world. Often those who later discover that their husband, partner or friend is a sex addict are stunned. The sex addict can effortlessly move between the world of acting out where they are getting their “fix” and lack total empathy to the world where they are the good husband, father, friend and employee. This compartmentalization is a hallmark feature of sex addiction and one that is often maintained for decades.

Love Addiction

Love addiction is also a serious problem and an addiction as well. It can be defined as being obsessed with a person, fantasy or relationship and mistaking it for love. It can look different in different people. Love addicts fear abandonment and yearn for connection. This pursuit for connection becomes the love addict’s obsession and they can lose themselves in relationships. They often lack a sense of self and hope to get all their needs met in a relationship. They can neglect self-care, abandon friends and hobbies. They can get lost in romantic fantasy and delusion.

Recovery is possible, but one cannot do it alone. Support groups, treatment, therapy and 12 Step Meetings can help. Intervention and treatment help the sex and love addict in getting honest, stopping the acting out behavior and moving toward healthy intimacy.

Co-Sex Addiction

Spouses and partners are devastated by this illness in a more intimate and profound way than other addictions. You can never be a bottle of tequila or a six-pack of beer, but you can compare yourself to an acting out partner, porn star or prostitute. The effect of this comparison is devastating, traumatic and life-changing.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a sex addict is referred to as the co-sex addict or partner. As the co-sex addict, we may believe that the sex addict must recover for us to feel better, but the truth is we need our own help and recovery. The discovery of a sex addiction in our partner is devastating. The discovery usually starts with the co-sex addict (COSA) feeling as if things in the relationship don’t seem right. The COSA often begins checking wallets, emails and text messages. They often become computer hackers and excellent private investigators in pursuit of evidence that the sex addict is acting out.

When the sex addict is confronted with evidence of acting out, they will almost always deny the evidence and make the COSA feel “crazy.” A COSA will often feel as if they are going crazy. They will often continue their detective work in an effort to catch and hopefully, stop the sex addicts’ actions. Sometimes a COSA will have a flight into hypersexuality in an effort to join with/be close to the sex addict. Other times, they may retreat into sexual anorexia due to injury to their sense of sexuality.

As partners, we cannot “fix” our sex addict counterparts. We need help in grieving the loss of the partner we thought we had and of the life we thought we were living. Recovery for partners can be rewarding. We can move toward healing our own wounds, grieving and rebuilding trust with our sex addict if we choose to do that. COSAs often have their own trauma history to heal from and the discovery of sex addiction in our partners is a retraumatization that we also must heal and grow from.

Support, therapy and 12 Step Meetings can pave the way to a strong recovery and toward healthy intimacy and sexuality.

Addiction

Sex Addiction

Love Addiction

Co-Sex Addiction

Suggested Reading List

General

Sex and Love Addiction

Couples

Narcissism